Day 1: Stepping out of the Comfort Zone

Day 1 of my solo traveling did not go as planned, partially because I was extremely nervous, and partially because I was naïve and didn't plan enough. I began Day 1 in a city I wasn't familiar with after visiting my brothers in Denver. I went to their local grocery store not realizing that this specific store was a bit sketchy and was going to immediately put me on edge and make me second guess my entire trip. I had pre-planned out dinners, lunches, and breakfast ideas to ensure I did not waste any food but also allow enough space in my cooler for everything. The grocery shopping was easy, I had a list and quickly purchased everything I would need for the next 5 days. It wasn't until I exited the store that my nerves and anxiousness skyrocketed. I've been to the grocery store by myself before, so why was I on edge? As I was loading the food into my cooler in the trunk, trying to organize everything to fit, people repeatedly approached me and came up to my car. I wasn't a city girl and this definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone and challenged my confidence.  I felt unprepared, naïve, and anxious about being alone, unsure how to respond to get people to leave me alone. I ended up throwing half of my food in the car without organizing my cooler and even leaving some "refrigerated" food out to get out of there quicker, ensuring myself I would deal with it later. I had been alone 5 minutes and I already felt like I was having a panic attack. Negativity began to flood my mind, "Maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe this whole idea was a mistake. How did I talk myself into doing this?" With a couple of deep breaths, I decide to start driving hoping being on the road and getting closer to my first stop would help calm my nerves. Little did I know, my lack of planning was comical, and I would be driving straight into a white out blizzard.

It was raining in Denver, so I was prepared to drive in the rain all day, which is no big deal after living in Oregon for 4 years. Snow though, that I had not driven in in years. I was maybe an hour down the road and the rain turned into slush, slush turned into snowflakes, small snowflakes turned into a full blown white out which was when I began to count the cars in the ditches on either side of the highway. I had 1/3 of a tank of gas when I realized I was driving into no mans land where gas stations would be sparse and there could be horrible traffic from the storm. I decided to pull off to get gas relying on my Wisconsin upbringing to know a full tank of gas was the first step to tackle driving through a snow storm. In an attempt to plan for the next couple hours I tried to look at the weather radar and traffic only to find out I had no service. I knew this would happen but did not prepare for it to happen so quickly and I had no idea how big the storm was. Should I wait it out? Should I keep going? After 15 minutes, I managed to load the radar and see that I would be driving through on and off snow the rest of the day...great. Now with a full tank of gas I felt better and prepared for what was ahead of me. The rest of the 4-hour drive went by surprisingly quickly because the traffic quickly dissipated as I continued further and further away from society.

If any of you have already been to The Great Sand Dunes National Park, you know that you can see the dunes quite a few miles away from the park entrance. I was not aware of this because I was driving in a thick cloud with occasional white out snowstorm patches. I pulled up to the entrance booth and they informed me that they weren't charging anyone entrance fee since you could not see anything. This made me laugh because on the plus side you get free entrance, but on the down side, you can’t see anything that you came to see. I had bought the annual National Parks pass for this trip so I already had access to all the parks no matter the weather but I was really hoping the clouds would part and I could get at least a little glimpse of the dunes today.

I made it to the visitor center and the snow/rain was coming down so hard I knew I would be soaked in seconds with wind blasting sideways at 35-40mph. I sprinted inside as quickly as I could, trying to stay as dry as possible. I did all of this to fill up all my water bottles and talk to a park ranger. My plan was to talk to a park ranger at every National Park to see where the most popular spots were and the hidden gems. The park ranger told me about a spot just down the road a little bit that he said gave a great viewpoint. I drive to the discussed spot and park, still unable to see the dunes. At this point the snow/rain has subsided for the moment and I could see a small trail in front of my car. I bundled up in my puffy, raincoat, gloves, hat, and my “waterproof” boots and started the blind hike taking me to who knows where. I walked 100ft through some tall bushes to an opening and when I looked up...there they were. The clouds had parted while I had walked over and finally I had a view of the majestic, silent masterpiece.

The first thought that ran through my head was: "Oh my gosh they are HUGE!" I was still at least a half mile from the base of the dunes but dang they looked much larger than I had anticipated. I looked around to ask someone to take my picture and realized there were only 10 people walking around, including myself, and we were all very spaced out. This was the start of my “photos by strangers” adventure which continued, and still is one of my favorite parts of my trip. After I knew I had documented proof of visiting, I decided to venture out towards the dunes. Might I remind you there were still 30+mph winds and it was freezing. As I was walking towards the dunes there were mini "rivers" of water running along the sand due to all the rain we had received that day. I meticulously located the easiest places to cross in an attempt to keep my feet as dry as possible. After walking for 15 minutes it felt like I wasn't any closer to the base of the dunes in comparison to where I started. It was at this moment that I realized I wasn't going to reach the base of the dunes that day. I still had a 3-hour drive to the campsite I planned to stay at and wanted to get there before sunset. So, I decided to turn around and put this National Park on my list of "must return again" for another trip in the future. A trip that would allow me the time to hike around and maybe attempt to reach the top of a dune. As the day progressed I was getting closer and closer to my biggest fear...sleeping alone, in my car, in a place I was unfamiliar with, surrounded by strangers. It was this small flame of anxiety that I knew was sitting in the back of my mind, but I kept it at bay throughout the day, distracting myself with music and beautiful views. I knew though, come nightfall, that small flame would most likely explode into full on panic. But, again, an issue for future Marie. #fakeittillyoumakeit

I hopped back into my car and continued my drive into no mans land. The clouds had cleared so I got a gorgeous view of the sand dunes as I was driving away. This made me sad, and I made a mental note again that I one day needed to return to give this National Park the proper time it deserved. My first hour of driving was fairly boring because I was still driving through desert and there was NOTHING around me. No towns, no buildings, no trees, just sand and farm fields that I had no idea what, or how, they could grow there. I took a left in Saguache, CO onto 114, not knowing that my mind was soon to be blown away with the beauty of this road. I’m not sure if it amazed me so much because I had been starring at dirt and sand for basically the entire day, but the road brought me through this narrow valley that was absolutely gorgeous. The speed limit was 35mph which would normally irritate me but I was so happy because it forced me to slow down and allowed me time to look at the amazing views around me. The ground was covered by bushes with bright fire orange and red twigs making it look like flames were surrounding the road. There was a beautiful deep blue river running next to the road and the best part was the sharp, jagged, cliffs I zig zagged between. The rock edges were so crisp and sharp, it was mesmerizing. The deep red rocks stood out from the green moss growing on top of the rocks and I think it was one of the prettiest roads I had ever been on. The colors were so vibrant, I was surprised they were naturally occurring. I left the road feeling majestic and like I had just left wonderland. I had to quickly snap out of my daydreaming because I was hit with another white out. This storm scared me more than my drive earlier in the day because there was absolutely no cars on the road and I was truly in the middle of nowhere. I made sure to drive extra careful and I thankfully made it safely to Black Canyon National Park just before 6pm. Since it was early May, the sun didn't set until 8:30pm which meant I had plenty of time to be extra picky with picking my campsite (since it was so early in the season it was first come first serve), heat up leftovers for dinner, finally organize my car, and get caught up on writing.

The small flame of anxiety that I had been trying to put out all day only became larger and larger as the night went on. I decided to pick a campsite that was far away from other campers and semi close to the bathrooms, so it wasn’t too far of a walk but also people weren’t walking past me throughout the night. I got ready for bed, locked myself in the car, laid down in bed and realized it was absolutely freezing and my sleeping bag was underneath my platform. It was pitch-black outside at this point and I wasn't comfortable opening my doors to draw attention to myself and to be honest that little flame of anxiety was a full blown bonfire at this point. Looking back, I realize this fear was unrealistic. I was in the middle of a National Park campground, no one cared what I was doing or even noticed that I was alone. But hindsight is always 20-20 and I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. To clarify the predicament I was in, I had built a platform structure in the back of my car that took up the entirety of the second and third row with three portions that would fold up to allow access to my supplies underneath. The only issue, you had to roll up the mattress enough to open said compartment door. Typically I would access the supplies by opening the side doors but as mentioned before...that wasn't an option in my mind at this point in time. I managed to roll up my mattress enough to open one of the compartment doors on the platform and very difficulty pulled out my sleeping bag. This was not an easy task but I finally got all bundled up with my sleeping bag, comforter, two blankets, and my hat, and a sweatshirt. I wasn’t kidding when I said it was cold. I prayed I would have a good night sleep because I was exhausted and I had a big day in the morning. As I was trying to relax I began to notice every noise of the car or of the bed. Jumping when a new noise would appear. Even with the noises making my skin crawl, I thankfully fell asleep quickly until a noise woke me up in the middle of the night. Something about me is that I always need to go to the bathroom after I wake up, whether that be at 2am, 7am, or after a 30 minute nap. So, the big debate began, do I leave the safety and comfort of my car to pee outside, or do I use the shewee device (a female urinal) my mom got me to pee in the car. The issue was I had never used the shewee device before so there was a large chance I would miss with my half foggy brain from sleep and being confined in such a small space. I decided to take a deep breath and venture out into the unknown, the space beyond my comfort bubble, because that was the goal of my trip: push myself to become ok with the uncomfortable. And at that moment, the uncomfortable space was beyond my car door, peeing in the darkness with my eyes playing tricks on me making the shadows of the bushes jump and move. But guess what? I survived! Was there someone in the bushes, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce? No. Was there even anyone awake that was remotely close to me? No. And those were the realities I had to continue to remind myself of because I wasn’t nervous about wildlife coming to attack me, I was nervous about people who wanted to hurt me. A fear that has been instilled in me since I was very young. An unfortunate reality for little girls and women in this society. But, I was not only going to prove myself wrong but prove to others that solo female traveling can be done. Do you need to be smart about your decisions? 100% but that doesn’t make it impossible to accomplish. I had survived Day 1 of my trip. A day that was filled with challenges and uncomfortable moments but I had done it. I didn't give up and I didn't turn around. My comfort zone was growing with each tackled challenge and I was going to prove to myself that I could do this. No matter my fear, no matter the daunting inner voice, I was doing it...I was chasing my dreams and seeing the world on my own.